“Nobody knows what beauty is”

  • This was a huge hit back in the late 80’s, recognized as the definitive work on the subjective nature of ugliness. As the 90’s progressed, the true profundity of the lyric came to be popularly understood and assimilated, culminating in mass acceptance of the fact that we are all, at the end of the day, ugly swine.

    On a fateful Friday in June of 1997, after legislation was unanimously passed in Dáil and Seanad Éireann, a referendum changed Bunreacht Na hÉireann and banned the judging of by appearances forever.

    While initially this may have seemed like a marvellous advance for society, unfortunately it backfired by giving rise to an immense and unforeseen arrogance that swept unforbearing across the country. Many ugly swine began to appear in the national media, they obtained work as important public figures such as doctors, dentists and bank managers. Being an ugly swine came to be considered healthy as they obtained positions in important state departments and ultimately as leader of the aforementioned Dáil Éireann.

    As the stricken country slowly awakens from this nightmare, some may look to the past and blame this song. However, it should be noted that the simultaneous introduction of mobile telephony meant that by the year 2000 there was no longer any need anyway for the ugly swine to sit at home by the phone.
    In the authors opinion this was also a major contributing factor to social change as it became acceptable to sit in transited places, bars, cafés, or indeed outside in parks, with a telephone in full public view, – as if to say. “He’s about to call… he’s about to call….”

    The Song that started it all
    Bull – Ugly Swine

    Disclaimer: Certain happenings mentioned in this review article may or may not have taken place in your own personal version of reality.


About auldtapes

Recordings from the late 80's and early 90's, made in dublin and thereabouts, rescued from cassettes and DAT's found in me mum's attic. If you have a copyright type problem (you gotta be kidding!) with any of these recordings being online here, then contact me and I'll move them somewhere else :)
This entry was posted in Cassette, eighties, Nostalgia and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to “Nobody knows what beauty is”

  1. Hi There,
    that song is living proof of the power of modern popular music to change society and make the world a better place.

    Thank you for sharing it with the world.

    Benny Volance

    • auldtapes says:

      Originally the disclaimer line at the end read: “The happenings mentioned in this review may or may not have taken place in your version of reality. If they didn’t you can take it as proof that great songwriting is rarely recognized, let alone remunerated.”

      Only then I realised it didn’t work right, as most of the things did happen, so that second part got taken out. Also, the second part was originally the first part, but ended up being the nowhere part. It’s a bit like songwriting, this blog thing.

  2. b says:

    Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best

  3. auldtapes says:

    It occurred to me that not all reader(s) of this blog may have been listening to ugly swine in the 80’s. I know, I know, – what on earth WERE they doing then??

    so here’s the lyrics in case you are not familiar with them. (this is copyright by the way – if you copy, do it right, ok? no miserable feckin’ covers)

    Wee little girl is out on her own
    she can’t believe that she’s on her own
    she’s changed her hair she changed her dress
    but still no boys are at all impressed


    wee little girl sits by the phone
    she can’t believe that nobody called
    she’s pruned her nails she looks just right
    but still no boys have called all night


    Wee little girl hears a voice in her head,
    It’s the one that said:
    “Don’t judge by appearances, nobody knows what beauty is”
    so she looked in the mirror one last time
    then she realised she was an ugly swine.

    nobody knows what beauty is
    nobody knows
    nobody knows what beauty is
    nobody knows

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